Sunday, December 30, 2012

Back-Up Plans

Well hey there, kids!

Oh my, so much has happened since my last post! I graduated cum laude on December 16th, started working full-time at my awesome job, celebrated Christmas with the family, and much more. As you might imagine, several of my family members and friends have asked me what "my plan" is now. Now that I've graduated, what's my next goal? What kinds of jobs am I applying for? All these questions have reminded how unstable the job market is right now, so you guys will be happy to hear that I have come up with some "back-up plans". :)

Plan #1 Work as the Chick-fil-A Cow
You have no idea how many people (seven, yes, seven) have told the staff members of the local Chick-fil-A that I need to be the next person to work as their cow mascot. I can't express how flattered I am by this (NOT!). However, the person inside that cow costume probably works full time and receives benefits. Not bad for standing by the road and making an arse (I mean, cow) of yourself...

Plan #2 Become a Fortune Cookie Writer
I you know how much havoc I could wreak (cue evil laugh)?!

Plan #3 Become a Politician
Apparently, all you need to be a successful politician is a big mouth, an attitude, and plenty of hairspray. Believe me, I meet all those qualifications. ;)


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Stayin' Alive


It's been the most frenetic week of my life, and I'm counting the minutes till it's over! Preparing for finals, keeping up with work, and managing life in general are adding up to be a big ol' pain in the butt. Fortunately, I found some great ways to cope with the stress, so I'll share them with you.
  1. Tap dance on a coffee table. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it. Also, do yourself a favor and make sure you've got a sturdy coffee table. ;)
  2. Eat 257 chocolate-covered espresso beans. Trust me, after this, you can't really help but be super-productive and ecstatic about your life. While under the influence, make sure you keep away from megaphones.
  3. Incorporate yodeling and jazz hands into your next class or work presentation. After all, you're looking to make a impression, aren't you? 
  4. If nothing else works, lock all your doors and windows, turn on the Lion King soundtrack and scream the first line of "Circle of Life". Nothing soothes the soul like a little "BAAAAAASOWHENYAAAAAAAHHHBABAGEEEEEEETSBABAAAAAAAAA." :)

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Words of Wisdom from Father McHappypants

What's happenin', kids?

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope it was as awesome as mine...the turkey I roasted turned out perfectly and Kanye West did not show up to take credit for it or to say that Beyonce's turkey was better. It was a delightful holiday. :)

During the holiday weekend, I spent time with my awesome dad and his family. He was in his element this weekend, joking around with my cousins and picking on my uncles. Listening to their conversations reminded me of some of my favorite things I've heard Dad say, which I've jotted down to share with you.

A while back, when Taylor Swift was rumored to be going out with Tim Tebow, my dad asked me out of the blue, "Why didn't you tell me Taylor Swift went out with Tim Tebow?! How did it go? Does he like her? Are they going out again?" I just sat there in stunned silence and wondered if Dad had somehow been involved in a "Freaky-Friday" type of mix-up where he switched bodies with Ryan Seacrest.

I once made the mistake of asking Dad his opinion about an outfit I planned to wear to a job interview. To my surprise, he said, "That skirt doesn't go with that shirt. I can say that now because your mother made me watch 'What Not to Wear.'" I think I liked it better when he stuck with watching the Weather Channel.

Last summer, I was out of town during the week of July 4th and called my parents. Mom answered the phone, and midway through the conversation, I heard the loudest, longest belch known to mankind. Mom paused a minute, gathered her patience (though I could tell she was about to laugh), and said, "Jim, that was disgusting. That was like 'bombs bursting in air'." In the background, I could hear Dad say, "Well dear, would you like some 'rockets red glare?'"

I laughed till I cried. :)


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Murphy's Law, Indeed.

Hey pals!

I have the weirdest life. Don't get me wrong, I had a killer day. But I sat down and started thinking again about how many offbeat things happen to me, and only me! We've talked about this concept before, and how I seem to be Murphy's Law in human form. Here's further evidence.

  • It's our busy season at work, I've got tons of assignments at school due because I'm preparing to graduate college, and my wisdom teeth have decided that this is a great time to come in. My professor asked me if I was feeling OK the other day, and I had to explain that I have a headache because I am TEETHING. In college.
  • Still need convincing that I am Murphy's Law in human form? Almost every man who hits on me seems to possess excessive quantities of nose hair. Lovely.
  • Finally, my Pandora account seems to be rigged for disaster. I had my CCR station playing at work and I'd had a great day listening to classic rock. My boss comes over to my desk to talk to me, and don't you know that blasted Pandora played Eric Clapton's "Cocaine", Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On", and "Sexual Healing" back to back. Seriously, it behaved ALL DAY until my manager walked over. I guess next time I'll have to put the "Gregorian Chant" channel on, just to be safe. :)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Life and Times of Laine's Afro

Happy Halloween, homies!

I'm currently wearing this year's costume, "Responsible Student Who Sits on Her Couch Doing Homework While Wearing an Afro Wig."  I've had some good times in this wig, which I'm about to share with you now.

The first time I brought this baby out was for a costume I decided to wear to work.  I put on a flowing Greek dress, strapped on some pretty sandals, and added the afro...which made me "Afrodite." Heh. I know it was cheesy, but you better believe I enjoyed every minute of it.  And I actually made tips that day, even though I was just a cashier.  Hmm...maybe that neckline was a little lower than I intended...

The next year, I put on some workout clothes, added the afro, and stuffed a cushie pillow down the back of my pants (don't judge me!) for an extremely plump derriere.  Yep...I spent Halloween 2010 as a girl from Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" video and NO, I won't show you a picture. :)


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Why I'm Not a Songwriter

What up, homies?

It's been a crazy semester thus far, and lately I've been busy putting my portfolio together.  While digging through some old files and documents, I came across a song I wrote a few years ago as a reaction to a really bad date I'd just been on. Seriously, this was like the Kanye West of dates.  Anyway, that was so long ago that I can't even remember the guy's name anymore, but his legacy lives on through the musical gem that is my masterpiece, "Fart in a Car".  Enjoy, and you're welcome. ;)


Fart in a Car
by J. Laine Isaacs
Written at 1:55 a.m. on April 21, 2010

I knew you were a loser,
You weren't my perfect mate.
My friends asked why I went with you
Told them you were a "pity date".
We'd been out just a time or two
When you started to show your butt.
You took me out for mini golf
But I left before your first putt.

I smelled you like a fart in a car,
Like a fart in a car, like a fart in a car.
I smelled you like a fart in a car
So you never got the chance to break my heart.

Now we're all through, I don't need no more,
You've had your final chance.
I'd rather get a spinal tap,
Or date a guy from France.
I told my daddy we were through,
I done did our love in.
He said, "Honey, that makes sense,

Because you have more balls than him."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Things I Shouldn't Have to Clarify

Hey kids!

Lately, I've witnessed some practices that I think need to be addressed and abolished for the well-being of mankind.  I can't believe that I have to put these things in black and white but I am happy to do it since no else seems to.  Thanks for indulging me. :)

To the naked girls on campus:  Your boobs go inside your shirt and your butt goes inside your shorts.  Neither your chest nor your posterior should look like they've been stuffed into any kind of cotton or denim sausage casing.  Also, please do not wear a bra that fluffs your boobs up so high you can rest your chin on them and then proceed to complain about how every man in a 3-mile radius is staring at your chest.  

To every teacher, student, coworker, friend, family member and random dude at the gas station:  For gosh sake, PLEASE stop telling me how much or little you have pooped that day.  Seriously.  That's what your mommy is for.  I am not a doctor, nurse, gastroenterologist or any other kind of "poopologist", so do me a favor and take your bowel-related troubles elsewhere.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Cruel and Unusual Punishment: AKA "Bra Shopping"

Hey buddies,

Last weekend I got to indulge myself in that most enchanting of female privileges...bra shopping.  In other words, I locked myself in a tiny room in Kohl's for like an hour and tried on over-the-shoulder boulder holders while I cried.  OK, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but ladies, we all have to admit that there are so many other things we would much rather do.  For instance, I'd rather pluck Danny DeVito's nose hairs or hang from a ceiling fan by my toenails.  That is exactly how much I hate bra shopping.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of bras.  Without them, many of us would not be able to stand up straight and make eye contact.  I've also find that my brassiere is large enough to double as either a weapon of mass destruction or an extremely fashionable hat.  

For some reason, this particular expedition to the lingerie department was a real doozie.  Not only could I not find anything in my size, but some poor woman's husband had been kind enough to practice random acts of flatulence throughout multiple aisles of the department.  I have to give him props, though, for finding the one way to make my experience even more miserable.  I waited for oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling like they do on airplanes, but such luck.

After what seemed like hours of fruitless searching, I found something that I did not have to put a down-payment on and that did not make my boobs look like two gigantic polka-dotted torpedoes, so I headed to the cashier.  This little biddy had the nerve to smile and say "Wouldn't you like some matching panties?"  I briefly fantasized about pushing her into an electric fence, swiped my debit card, and dashed through the automatic doors toward the peaceful, fart-free sanctum that is my Camry.


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

My College Education in Facebook Statuses

Hi buddies!

Today was my last first day of school!  I couldn't be more excited.  Seriously, I was tempted to streak across campus in celebration.  I decided against it...but there's always graduation day. :)

In honor of this day, I've put together some of my past thoughts on my college experience.  You might be able to relate!
  • I got through the first day of class without needing sedatives or a helmet. Score! 
  • If you happen to see on the evening news that I have tasered my classmates, please do not judge. They quite deserve it at this point. 
  • OF COURSE I would get the hiccups while addressing my professor in front of the whole class.
  • So today, one of my professors admitted I was right! I now encourage you to look out the window for flying pigs. 
  •  WHOO-HOO, midterms are over! I shall celebrate by eating cake and talking like Rocky Balboa for the rest of the day.
  • To Professor X: 2 years ago, you looked me in the eye and said "You don't understand public relations." Well, do I have news for you! I just presented my own public relations case study at an honors conference. How bout that. :) Sincerely, Laine
  • The last week of class is here and in spite of all the stress I'm feeling like an over-caffeinated winning machine. BRING IT ON, finals!!
  • To pump myself up for finals, I've been playing "Eye of the Tiger" on repeat & running up random staircases. And then getting a milkshake.  

Yep, there it is: the past 4.5 years in a nutshell!  It's been a wild ride but completely worth it.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Hollywood Hypotheticals

What's up, my homies?

So last night I was thinking about Mr. T before I went to sleep...which actually happens more often than you might think.  Anyhoo, it's a huge trend for stars to show up as guests or guest judges on reality shows these days so I've taken a minute to jot down some TV show/celebrity matches that you might like. :)
  1. Kim Kardashian on "America's Got Talent"
    Anyone catch the irony there?
  2. Snooki on "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?"
    Never mind, I can save us all a bunch of time right here and now.  NO.
  3. Dolly Parton and Donald Trump on "Hair Battle Spectacular"
    Do I really have to justify this one?
  4. Mr. T as a guest judge on "Project Runway"
    You have NO idea how much money I would pay to hear him say, "I pity the fool who would wear that dress to a cocktail party!"
Don't worry, I plan to stick to the non-profit side of public relations and don't have any plans to become anyone's agent. ;)


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Sassy McHappypants LIVE!

Hey there buddies!

It's the moment we've all been waiting live show!  Come out and see me tonight at Olde Hickory Taproom in Hickory, NC.  A band will be performing at 9:00, so it's likely that I'll go on around 10:00 or a little after.  There's no cover to get in, but the venue requires that everyone be 21+.

Come on out, I promise I'll make it worth your while! :)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Silly Laine.

Hiya buddies!

One of my favorite quotes is "Blessed are those who laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."  I've jotted down some of the silliest things I ever did in hopes of amusing not only myself, but you also.
  1. Volunteering to do an Interpretive Dance at a Bible Study
    Sadly, those folks did not share my sense of humor.  I like to think it was their loss. :)
  2. Yelling Awkward Things at Work
    Note to self: If you shout "I need some change in my drawers!" no one will realize you are talking about cash registers.
  3. Pepper-Spraying Myself on the Way to Church
    Yep, it was an accident.  No, I didn't show up at church that day.  Also, people need to stop suggesting that I get a concealed carry permit.  If I owned a gun, I would have no toes.
Based on the above evidence, I have a feeling I'll keep myself amused for quite a while. :)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Confession Time

Hi friends!
I recently had a discussion with coworkers about embarrassing moments and such.  In the spirit of making them feel better, I told them I would compile some of my deepest, darkest confessions and secrets...and publish them on the world wide web.  You're welcome.
  1. When drivers take up two parking spaces, I want to shoot them dead.  And then bring them back to life, make them watch a 24-hour reel of the Nancy Grace show and shoot them deader.
  2. Every time I parallel-park correctly on the first try, I do a little dance or high-five myself.  Sometimes both.
  3. I have used a beer bottle as a microphone.
  4. The first time someone ever asked me out, a booger flew out my nose and landed on my face.  He didn't ask me again.
There you have it, folks.  Now, perhaps, you understand why I've had to develop an immunity to embarrassment. :)


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

And Now I Give to You...The Lizard Story

Hi guys!

There have been many requests and/or demands for my legendary lizard story.  At long last, here it is.  Gird your loins, fairy-tale ending here. :)  (Hold on, the Barnes & Noble clerk is talking to me.  Maybe he has chocolate....Ok, I'm back.  No chocolate, just an ego the size of Texas).

Sorry, back to the story.  It was March of 2007 and I was in Kiln, Mississippi, helping out with relief efforts after Hurricane Katrina.  My job that day was to mark studs before the guys installed sheetrock.  As I was sitting on the floor, innocently doing my job, I looked over and noticed a small lizard, about the size of a gecko, skittering around on the floor.  He must have been a curious little guy because before I could say "Is that the gecko from the GEICO commercials?!" the lizard had jumped down the back of my pants.  Yep.  For a full 2.6 seconds, my khakis were home to a salamander.

Needless to say, I wasted no time in flailing around and digging through my trousers to find and destroy the invader.  I finally found him and tossed him on the ground, where he landed and skittered away.  I daresay my coworkers thought I was either a charismatic or demon-possessed.  One of them just patted me on the back and said, "Have some sympathy for the poor little thing.  He's just addicted to crack."

I hate to admit it, but 5 years later, that still makes me laugh. :)


Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Brief Word on Common Sense

Dear Public,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.  Please read the below requests and adhere to them.  Should you do so, I will be sure to give you a nice parking spot once I run the world.
  1. I can guarantee you that no waitress, cashier or flight attendant wants to be called "Sugar Lips".  Don't use that term on anyone but your wife.  And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't care for it either.
  2. If you are asking the person next to you to be your "detonated driver", put the beer down.  You've had quite enough.
  3. Lastly, please do not practice random acts of flatulence while walking in front of me (or anyone else) in the grocery store. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Signs I Need to Kiss Caffeine Goodbye

Hiya friends!

I've had an on-again, off-again romance with caffeine and have decided to call it quits for good based on the following reasons:

  • I thought about running up my street screaming "I've Got You, Babe" by Sonny and Cher.  And then I did it.
  • I opened my mouth to say "good morning" to a friend but it came out, "DANG, YOUR BUTT LOOKS GREAT IN KHAKIS!"
  • As I was driving into town for caffeine, I turned on the Bourne Supremacy soundtrack and pretended I was a secret agent in search of caffeine.  And that's when I realized I should never, ever have caffeine again.
And so it is with much sadness that I bid caffeine goodbye (again).  We'll see how long it lasts this time, but I do think that cutting it out will save me some money and help me retain some kind of reputation.  There's really NO telling what would happen if I drank coffee on a regular basis...and perhaps it should remain that way. :)


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Get Ready to Take Down Finals!

Hey buddies!

 Ok, it's time to buckle in and tackle finals week.  If you've got gobs of facts and statistics to remember for your exams, try my latest approach: I've put the class material I need to memorize to the music of 80s and 90s songs.  Seriously, try it out before you judge.  After all, that's how I came up with smash hits like:

  • Pour Some Quadratic Functions on Me
  • P-Value, P-Value, Whatcha Gonna Do, Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come for You 
  • What's Rhetorical Analysis Got to do With It  
  • Blame it on the Employee Communication  
  • You Give Qualitative Research a Bad Name   
  • Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Press Release  
  • I'm Too Sexy for the Associated Press 
Hope this helps you out.  And if it doesn't...well, at least you have another thing to make fun of me about. :)

Monday, April 30, 2012

What the World Needs Now

Hey friends!

It's election year and we've all heard way too many politicians shamelessly plugging themselves and all they can "do" for us.  They make a lot of promises they can't keep and few people benefit in the end.  I've jotted down some ideas that I think everyone could enjoy.  Read on and you'll see why. :)
  1. "Turn Signals for Dummies"
    Come on, I can't be the only one who gets frustrated with those negligent turds.  Really, how much effort does it take to flip on a turn signal?!  If you have the energy to turn the car on you can use a turn signal, I promise.  Granted, writing and publishing "Turn Signals for Dummies" might not make a huge difference, but at least it would make me feel better.
  2. Food-Scented Perfume
    Think about it, ladies.  Men are powerless to the smell of food.  You could walk into a club toothless and wearing sweats but if you smell like pepperoni pizza you are FINE.
  3. A 24-hour Krispy Kreme operated by Chippendales
    Do I really have to justify this one?  Didn't think so. :)

Saturday, April 28, 2012

My Inner Child

What's up, guys?

Another semester is nearly finished and it's hard to believe that I'll be graduating in December!   I've really had my nose to the grindstone lately so it's easy for me to get caught up in all I have to do and forget to take a breath and relax a little.  After all, just because I have mature responsibilities doesn't mean I can't enjoy them.  The other day, I was balancing my checkbook while wearing a ringpop.  Another time, I jumped on the bed for 30 minutes to get my daily exercise.  Being responsible doesn't have to mean being boring.  A lot of people talk about having an "inner child".  Forget that, I AM my inner child and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Dyslexia Schmyslexia

Hiya friends!

 Those of you who have been following Sassy McHappypants for a while now may have noticed that I sometimes misspell words, transpose letters or just flat-out forget a word every now and then.  Here's the thing: I'm dyslexic and I have short-term memory issues.  Both these things result from a brain tumor I dealt with 7 years ago and for everything that my poor brain went through, it really does pretty well.  Sometimes I get frustrated when I can't remember new terms in class or I find a spelling error on a paper I've already turned in.  But really, these are small prices to pay for being alive. :)

Oftentimes, my dyslexia turns out to be a source of entertainment for me and my family.  I've told you about the times I've used the word "leprechauns" instead of "lepers" when referring to Jesus' ministry.  Let me tell you, that makes things a little awkward in Sunday School.  There was also the time I was making a public speech about politics and I couldn't think of the right word.  I think I was looking for the word "humiliated" but instead I said "castrated".  Yep.  And I'm pretty sure some jerk has it on video.

In the end, I always decide to shrug off the occasional slip-ups and hope they make someone smile.  After all, that's the point of this blog!  Whatever little incidents or circumstances pop up in your everyday life, I hope you choose to laugh at them and go on your merry little way.  As always, thanks for reading and putting up with my little idiosyncrasies.  Ha!  I spelled idiosyncrasies right! :)


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Fixes for a Bad Day, Part III

What up, my homies?

So I've not had a bad day today at all,  In fact, it's been quite peachy.  But I have talked to some friends who could use some cheering up, so of course I have done my utmost to help them smile today.  Here are more of my recommendations to turn a frown upside down!
  1. Go to Panera Bread, buy yourself something with chocolate in it, and place your order under the name "My Sharona".  When it comes time for the staff to call your name, see if you can persuade them to sing my "My Sharona" over the intercom.  I once got 5 staff members to beatbox and sing the entire song over the intercom...EPIC.
  2. Buy a helium balloon, breathe in the helium and when your co-worker isn't looking, record a new voicemail greeting for them.  Try something along the lines of "John Doe is is currently suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome and is away from his desk.  Please leave a message after the beep."
  3. If neither of the above options have perked you up, then close your eyes and picture Susan Sarandon flying down the stairs on roller skates and getting hit in the crotch with a tennis racket.  That always works for me! 

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Musings at the San Antonio Airport...

Dear Egomaniac at the San Antonio Airport,
I wish to enlighten you on matter of great importance.  You need to know that it is vastly inappropriate to make comments on the appearance of a TSA agent, stewardess, passenger or anyone else in the airport who might have a uterus.  This is creepy and makes everyone around you want to taser you, wait a few minutes and then taser you again.  You are quite old enough to know better and I imagine that your tendency to behave so rudely is probably why every X-chromosome within a 50-yard radius is giving you the death stare.
PS:  That toupee isn’t fooling anyone.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Lainetionary

Hi kids!

This Easter break thing is pretty grand, huh?  Since I've had a little (and I do mean a little) free time on my hands, I've selected three words that I use frequently and redefined them according to their relevance in my life.  Read on and see if you agree.
  • "Tragedy":  When you drive home dreaming about chocolate chips and get home only to realize that you do not, in fact, have chocolate chips.
  • "Terrorist":  A spoiled child who screams for Cheerios every minute of a flight from Seattle to Wichita.
  • "Unforgivable":  Anything to do with cutting in line at Krispy Kreme.
 Am I right or am I right?  As always, thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing with your peeps.  :)


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Reasons to be Happy Right NOW

Hi there folks,

It's been a rough week.  My wisdom teeth are giving me some trouble, which results in epic headaches, plus my schedule has been super hectic.  So, I decided to focus on finding the positives of my life as it is right now.  Here's what I came up with.
  • No matter how stressful my job is, it cannot compare to the woes of my ancestors, who had to potty-train their children in outhouses.
  • I do not need a super power...I already have red high heels and a Southern accent.  
  • Hopefully, Justin Bieber will lose his fanbase after he finally goes through puberty and his voice changes.
  • I can speak Spanish!  Not a lot, but enough to order two beers, find the bathroom and set a chicken on fire.
See, that wasn't so hard!  Come up with couple of your own reasons to be happy, and leave them below in the comments section if you like.  And remember, everything will be OK as long as there is bacon in the world. :)


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Deep Thoughts...and a Podcast, to Boot!

Hey friends!

Guess who just made her first podcast?  I'll give you a hint, her name starts with ME!  You can check it out here and I hope it starts your week off right. :)


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

When I Run the World

Hello pals,

Spending part of the day with some poor decision-makers led me to think about how things will change when I take over the world.  Allow me to give you a taste of Lainitopia. :)
  1. Any individual who does not have a legitimate illness but parks in a handicap parking spot will be tased immediately.  No exceptions. 
  2. In an effort to aid China regarding their shortage of young females, the United States would send the Chinese government the entire Kardashian family ASAP.
  3. "General Jackassery" would be outlawed, which would in turn rid us of 99.99% of our current politicians.  Nothing like starting with a clean slate!
There, doesn't that sound like a nice "change"?  :)


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Fixes for a Bad Day, Version 2.0

Hey kids!

Stinks to be back from spring break, doesn't it?  Don't worry, I got your back.  In case work and/or school aren't going smoothly, check out my new favorite ways to cheer up!
  1. Buy yourself an Iron Man lunchbox.  Really, any superhero will do.  Nothing wrong with reverting back to your childhood to put a little smile on your face.
  2. Order at the drive-thru in your best Arnold Swarzenegger voice.  Or Bill Cosby...that's a good one too.  Just don't ask them for puddin' pops.  They don't like that.
  3. Sing into a plastic cup just to hear the goofy way it echos.  It doesn't matter what song, pick one that makes you happy.  Just so you know, "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor and "Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard are by far my favorite picks.
Enjoy and keep your chin up!  We got this. :)


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A Mid-Break Reflection on the "Glories" of Public Education

Dear Public Education System,

These past few days on spring break have given me a chance to reflect on our time together and the pros and cons of our relationship.  

In years past, you've given me the opportunity to meet many types of people of varied intellect, like the girls who decided to rank all our presidents in order from "Not Hot" to "Edward Cullen Hot", or my friend's classmate, who was convinced that Mount Rushmore was formed by erosion.  However, those moments couldn't hold a candle to having to sit through an hour-long lecture on the history of the F-word...FOR AN ENGLISH CLASS.

I am quite weary of paying you thousands upon thousands of dollars for the above experiences, and it's high time you learned I am not your sugar mama.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Dream Girl

Hey there, cutie pies!

I'm sure we've all had dreams that weird us out from time to time.  It's perfectly common for me to wake up in the morning with a quizzical look on my face, wondering how on earth I managed to dream up such ridiculous notions.  A case in point would be the time I dreamed that I was a beat-boxing nun.  I know, I totally missed my calling, right?!  One thing's for certain; I could beat those namby-pambies in The Sound of Music all to pieces!

That was certainly odd, but not quite as strange as the night I fell asleep and fantasized I was a princess trapped in a tower made of mozzarella cheese.  At the end, I was rescued by two heroic Italian men named Prosciutto and Mortadella.  That's when I knew my cooking hobby was spiraling out of control.

As odd as both those dreams are, they look harmless compared to the dream where Germaine Jackson was sitting on my couch, playing the bongo drums in his underpants.  I'm sure you can see why I was terrified to fall asleep the next few nights after that.

Here's hoping your slumbers tonight are peaceful and Jackson-free! :)


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Proof That I am Murphy's Law in Human Form

Hi there.

Whenever someone hears that I dabble in standup comedy, they usually ask me if I have a writer or if I make up my own material.  I always respond by telling them that my life gives me such crazy circumstances to work with that I've never needed to import material. 

For instance, there was the time I almost got hit by a truck hauling porta-johns.  We can all agree that would have been crappy.

Then there was that visit to Walmart when my cashier rung up my purchase, handed me the bags and announced, "Thanks, babe!  Enjoy your toilet brush and peanut butter!"  Worst of all?  I absent-mindedly replied, "You too."

Apparently, I'm even sleep-texting now.  I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and found that I was in the process of sending a message that said "I am grateful for suspenders because they hold old men's pants up."  The whole sleep-texting thing is kind of weird, but you have to admit that Subconscious Laine has a point.  God bless suspenders.

Even as weird as my life is, I wouldn't change anything about it (except to give myself Bill Gates' financial prowess.  I mean, I could use a little help with these student loans).  All in all, I'm a very blessed kid.  :)


Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Eavesdropping: Greatest Hits Volume 1

Well hello there.

So remember how I told you eavesdropping was my new guilty pleasure?  Y'all I've been keeping an ear out for you guys and have returned victorious.  Gird your loins, kids.  It's not going to be pretty.
  • Judgmental bearded yuppie in the grocery store:  "I saw these homeless people making out on King Street and I was like 'Gross!  Go get a box!'"
  • Dude at the bus stop who had not showered in weeks: "Matthew.  Maaaaaaaaatthew.  If you drank that stuff in a lava lamp would your belly glow?"
  • Redheaded career woman on the sidewalk:  "Did you ever have one of those dreams when you dream you're on the lake with Morgan Freeman and your canoe springs a leak and you wake up and you've peed yourself?"
BONUS:  "Can you imagine what sexting would be like in Morse Code?  It'd be like beep beep beeeeeeeeep beebeeeep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep." (OK, technically, this quote came from a conversation I had and wasn't "overheard".  The person who said it is a bona fide turd but I still thought it was hilarious and worth mentioning). :)

You know what the scary part of all this is?  Every single one of these people probably plans to reproduce at some point.  Heaven help us all.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Things I'd Love to Say...But Shouldn't

Preface:  The following post is an open letter to some folks I've met over the past few months.  Each of them has said or done something grievous that I'd like to correct publicly, but have chosen not to because I try to be a decent person.  Read on, and delight in your own intelligence. :)

Dear Random Blonde Chick,
   Thank you so much for showing up at the Financial Aid office wearing a shirt that said "gold digger".  While it was the most senseless thing I'd seen in a good long time, it made me laugh till my stomach hurt and I am grateful for that. 

Dear Girl in the Library,
   The term "narcissism" has nothing whatsoever to do with Narnia.

Dear Bearded Fellow,
   Beatrix Potter has never been (and will never be) related to Harry Potter. 
PS:  You might want to think twice before procreating.  And whatever you do, stay away from that blonde chick in financial aid.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Trust Me, You're a Genius

Hey kids,

When I first started blogging, I mentioned that my wacky life would likely make you a feel a bit better about yourself.  I'm about to make good on that promise.

Apparently, I seem to be in the habit of blurting out something unfortunate multiple times a day, thus causing my foot to be permanently lodged in my mouth, in an effort to prevent further damage to my reputation.

For instance, take the time that I told a coworker that Jesus ministered to leprechauns.  Lepers!  I meant lepers!  But I'm sure he would have ministered to leprechauns too, had it been necessary.

Or there was that afternoon at work when I announced loudly that I needed to put change in my drawers.  No one knew I was talking about the cash registers.

Lastly, there was the time when I misused the word "castrate" in a public speech in high school...

There, don't you feel better? :)


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

In Defense of Watauga County

Hey pals,

One thing that I struggle with at ASU is how much the students put down the local people and culture.  As a native of Boone, I feel a little resentful when someone says something like “I hate it here, there’s nothing to do” or “the locals are such tight-***es” or (and I’ve actually heard this) “Wow, you’re from Boone!  But you have all your teeth!”

Believe me, I know that there are days when feels like Watauga County is hosting the World Series of Redneckery.  I know that there are folks in our Walmart who look like they just walked off the set of O Brother Where Art Thou.  And yes, I know that the next big TV show around here should be Extreme Makeover:  Grammar Edition. 

But I also know that those same people in Walmart would bend over backward to help you change a tire, or jumpstart a dead battery, or help you pay for your groceries when you’re short on cash.  It was your choice to come to Appalachian State in the first place, and we welcome you with open arms.  But just because we talk slow doesn’t mean we can’t knock you flat on your a** faster than you can say “bless your heart”. ;)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

How to Fix a Bad Day, Laine-Style

Hey kids!

Crappy days happen to all of us.  Something goes wrong at work, at school or with a friend and the whole day seem to go down the drain.  Here are some Laine-approved ways to put your day back on track and perk yourself up again.  Oh, and if you're looking for "make yourself some hot tea and cuddle with a kitten", you've got the wrong girl. 
  1. Power-walk to the ice cream parlor.  I mean, it's fail-proof.  You're doing yourself a favor by exercising, and some frozen chocolate amazingness never hurt anyone.
  2. Spend 20 minutes on Google Translate learning how to say "I just farted" in different languages.  You won't be sorry.  Take my word for it and look up the German coworker laughed so hard she peed herself.  God bless the internet.
  3. Whistle at construction workers.  They won't know what hit 'em.  And believe me, the looks on their faces are PRICELESS.  
I hope these help you out on a rough day.  If you've tried them all and nothing seems to work, go get yourself a bottle of wine and a helium balloon.  When you're a good three-quarters into the bottle of wine, try sucking in the helium  from the balloon and record a new voicemail greeting.  I'm sure your boss will love it. :)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Why You Should Totally Eavesdrop

What up, party people!

I've developed this really bad habit of listening in on random conversations as I walk through public places.  I guess my theory is, if you have something private to say then you should probably not blare it out while you're on your cell in Earth Fare.  Anyway, some of the things I've overheard are hilarious and now I'm completely hooked on eavesdropping.  I'll share my top favorite snippets so far.

  • Awkward Phrase#3:  "She was tap-dancing in the garage and I told her to put on some pants in case the neighbors came by and she got really mad at me."
  • Awkward Phrase#2:  "And then I went by the dollar store and got some suppositories."
  • Awkward Phrase #1:  "He doesn't believe I'm pregnant, he just thinks some pregnant woman came by and peed in our garbage."
I don't even know where to start.  My sides hurt SO BADLY right now.  Suffice it to say I will be an eavesdropper for life. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Why AP Style is Important -- For Asses Young and Old

Dear anonymous classmates,

One would think that as senior Public Relations majors, we would be reasonably familiar with AP style and its vast importance to our craft. In many ways, it is the cornerstone of our work.  

Perhaps that's why it's so shocking to me that many of my fellow classmates find it acceptable to abbreviate the word "assistant" as "ass".  For example, "my professor's ass is out of town" or "why can't he just have his ass do it?" or my personal favorite, "my manager's ass must be really smart."

Seriously, how am I supposed to keep a straight face while I'm surrounded by this madness?!  I mean, I'm a visual person.  I am literally picturing my professor's ass out of town, perhaps on holiday in Miami, sipping margaritas on the beach.

Ah well, I suppose I should be grateful for these little bright spots in my day. 

Be good, kids!


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Your "Virtual Happy Place"

Hi kids!

I'm thrilled you're here!  For those of you who don't know me, I'm Laine (also known as Sassy McHappypants), and I'm here to make you smile.  Lest I sound like a Hallmark advertisement or some cheesy gimmick, let me say that I know we all lead stressful lives right now and need a chance to escape our everyday responsibilities.  So, that's why I'm here!  As you get to know me, you'll find that I have a knack for getting into sticky situations which in turn can  make you feel incredibly smart and well-adjusted by comparison. :)  

So tune in (click in?  mouse in?  whatever) tomorrow for more McHappypantsisms, and let me be your Virtual Happy Place.