Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Brief Word on Common Sense

Dear Public,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.  Please read the below requests and adhere to them.  Should you do so, I will be sure to give you a nice parking spot once I run the world.
  1. I can guarantee you that no waitress, cashier or flight attendant wants to be called "Sugar Lips".  Don't use that term on anyone but your wife.  And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't care for it either.
  2. If you are asking the person next to you to be your "detonated driver", put the beer down.  You've had quite enough.
  3. Lastly, please do not practice random acts of flatulence while walking in front of me (or anyone else) in the grocery store. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Signs I Need to Kiss Caffeine Goodbye

Hiya friends!

I've had an on-again, off-again romance with caffeine and have decided to call it quits for good based on the following reasons:

  • I thought about running up my street screaming "I've Got You, Babe" by Sonny and Cher.  And then I did it.
  • I opened my mouth to say "good morning" to a friend but it came out, "DANG, YOUR BUTT LOOKS GREAT IN KHAKIS!"
  • As I was driving into town for caffeine, I turned on the Bourne Supremacy soundtrack and pretended I was a secret agent in search of caffeine.  And that's when I realized I should never, ever have caffeine again.
And so it is with much sadness that I bid caffeine goodbye (again).  We'll see how long it lasts this time, but I do think that cutting it out will save me some money and help me retain some kind of reputation.  There's really NO telling what would happen if I drank coffee on a regular basis...and perhaps it should remain that way. :)


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Get Ready to Take Down Finals!

Hey buddies!

 Ok, it's time to buckle in and tackle finals week.  If you've got gobs of facts and statistics to remember for your exams, try my latest approach: I've put the class material I need to memorize to the music of 80s and 90s songs.  Seriously, try it out before you judge.  After all, that's how I came up with smash hits like:

  • Pour Some Quadratic Functions on Me
  • P-Value, P-Value, Whatcha Gonna Do, Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come for You 
  • What's Rhetorical Analysis Got to do With It  
  • Blame it on the Employee Communication  
  • You Give Qualitative Research a Bad Name   
  • Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Press Release  
  • I'm Too Sexy for the Associated Press 
Hope this helps you out.  And if it doesn't...well, at least you have another thing to make fun of me about. :)