Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Eavesdropping: Greatest Hits Volume 1

Well hello there.

So remember how I told you eavesdropping was my new guilty pleasure?  Y'all I've been keeping an ear out for you guys and have returned victorious.  Gird your loins, kids.  It's not going to be pretty.
  • Judgmental bearded yuppie in the grocery store:  "I saw these homeless people making out on King Street and I was like 'Gross!  Go get a box!'"
  • Dude at the bus stop who had not showered in weeks: "Matthew.  Maaaaaaaaatthew.  If you drank that stuff in a lava lamp would your belly glow?"
  • Redheaded career woman on the sidewalk:  "Did you ever have one of those dreams when you dream you're on the lake with Morgan Freeman and your canoe springs a leak and you wake up and you've peed yourself?"
BONUS:  "Can you imagine what sexting would be like in Morse Code?  It'd be like beep beep beeeeeeeeep beebeeeep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep." (OK, technically, this quote came from a conversation I had and wasn't "overheard".  The person who said it is a bona fide turd but I still thought it was hilarious and worth mentioning). :)

You know what the scary part of all this is?  Every single one of these people probably plans to reproduce at some point.  Heaven help us all.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Things I'd Love to Say...But Shouldn't

Preface:  The following post is an open letter to some folks I've met over the past few months.  Each of them has said or done something grievous that I'd like to correct publicly, but have chosen not to because I try to be a decent person.  Read on, and delight in your own intelligence. :)

Dear Random Blonde Chick,
   Thank you so much for showing up at the Financial Aid office wearing a shirt that said "gold digger".  While it was the most senseless thing I'd seen in a good long time, it made me laugh till my stomach hurt and I am grateful for that. 

Dear Girl in the Library,
   The term "narcissism" has nothing whatsoever to do with Narnia.

Dear Bearded Fellow,
   Beatrix Potter has never been (and will never be) related to Harry Potter. 
PS:  You might want to think twice before procreating.  And whatever you do, stay away from that blonde chick in financial aid.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Trust Me, You're a Genius

Hey kids,

When I first started blogging, I mentioned that my wacky life would likely make you a feel a bit better about yourself.  I'm about to make good on that promise.

Apparently, I seem to be in the habit of blurting out something unfortunate multiple times a day, thus causing my foot to be permanently lodged in my mouth, in an effort to prevent further damage to my reputation.

For instance, take the time that I told a coworker that Jesus ministered to leprechauns.  Lepers!  I meant lepers!  But I'm sure he would have ministered to leprechauns too, had it been necessary.

Or there was that afternoon at work when I announced loudly that I needed to put change in my drawers.  No one knew I was talking about the cash registers.

Lastly, there was the time when I misused the word "castrate" in a public speech in high school...

There, don't you feel better? :)


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

In Defense of Watauga County

Hey pals,

One thing that I struggle with at ASU is how much the students put down the local people and culture.  As a native of Boone, I feel a little resentful when someone says something like “I hate it here, there’s nothing to do” or “the locals are such tight-***es” or (and I’ve actually heard this) “Wow, you’re from Boone!  But you have all your teeth!”

Believe me, I know that there are days when feels like Watauga County is hosting the World Series of Redneckery.  I know that there are folks in our Walmart who look like they just walked off the set of O Brother Where Art Thou.  And yes, I know that the next big TV show around here should be Extreme Makeover:  Grammar Edition. 

But I also know that those same people in Walmart would bend over backward to help you change a tire, or jumpstart a dead battery, or help you pay for your groceries when you’re short on cash.  It was your choice to come to Appalachian State in the first place, and we welcome you with open arms.  But just because we talk slow doesn’t mean we can’t knock you flat on your a** faster than you can say “bless your heart”. ;)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

How to Fix a Bad Day, Laine-Style

Hey kids!

Crappy days happen to all of us.  Something goes wrong at work, at school or with a friend and the whole day seem to go down the drain.  Here are some Laine-approved ways to put your day back on track and perk yourself up again.  Oh, and if you're looking for "make yourself some hot tea and cuddle with a kitten", you've got the wrong girl. 
  1. Power-walk to the ice cream parlor.  I mean, it's fail-proof.  You're doing yourself a favor by exercising, and some frozen chocolate amazingness never hurt anyone.
  2. Spend 20 minutes on Google Translate learning how to say "I just farted" in different languages.  You won't be sorry.  Take my word for it and look up the German coworker laughed so hard she peed herself.  God bless the internet.
  3. Whistle at construction workers.  They won't know what hit 'em.  And believe me, the looks on their faces are PRICELESS.  
I hope these help you out on a rough day.  If you've tried them all and nothing seems to work, go get yourself a bottle of wine and a helium balloon.  When you're a good three-quarters into the bottle of wine, try sucking in the helium  from the balloon and record a new voicemail greeting.  I'm sure your boss will love it. :)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Why You Should Totally Eavesdrop

What up, party people!

I've developed this really bad habit of listening in on random conversations as I walk through public places.  I guess my theory is, if you have something private to say then you should probably not blare it out while you're on your cell in Earth Fare.  Anyway, some of the things I've overheard are hilarious and now I'm completely hooked on eavesdropping.  I'll share my top favorite snippets so far.

  • Awkward Phrase#3:  "She was tap-dancing in the garage and I told her to put on some pants in case the neighbors came by and she got really mad at me."
  • Awkward Phrase#2:  "And then I went by the dollar store and got some suppositories."
  • Awkward Phrase #1:  "He doesn't believe I'm pregnant, he just thinks some pregnant woman came by and peed in our garbage."
I don't even know where to start.  My sides hurt SO BADLY right now.  Suffice it to say I will be an eavesdropper for life. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Why AP Style is Important -- For Asses Young and Old

Dear anonymous classmates,

One would think that as senior Public Relations majors, we would be reasonably familiar with AP style and its vast importance to our craft. In many ways, it is the cornerstone of our work.  

Perhaps that's why it's so shocking to me that many of my fellow classmates find it acceptable to abbreviate the word "assistant" as "ass".  For example, "my professor's ass is out of town" or "why can't he just have his ass do it?" or my personal favorite, "my manager's ass must be really smart."

Seriously, how am I supposed to keep a straight face while I'm surrounded by this madness?!  I mean, I'm a visual person.  I am literally picturing my professor's ass out of town, perhaps on holiday in Miami, sipping margaritas on the beach.

Ah well, I suppose I should be grateful for these little bright spots in my day. 

Be good, kids!


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Your "Virtual Happy Place"

Hi kids!

I'm thrilled you're here!  For those of you who don't know me, I'm Laine (also known as Sassy McHappypants), and I'm here to make you smile.  Lest I sound like a Hallmark advertisement or some cheesy gimmick, let me say that I know we all lead stressful lives right now and need a chance to escape our everyday responsibilities.  So, that's why I'm here!  As you get to know me, you'll find that I have a knack for getting into sticky situations which in turn can  make you feel incredibly smart and well-adjusted by comparison. :)  

So tune in (click in?  mouse in?  whatever) tomorrow for more McHappypantsisms, and let me be your Virtual Happy Place.