Monday, April 30, 2012

What the World Needs Now

Hey friends!

It's election year and we've all heard way too many politicians shamelessly plugging themselves and all they can "do" for us.  They make a lot of promises they can't keep and few people benefit in the end.  I've jotted down some ideas that I think everyone could enjoy.  Read on and you'll see why. :)
  1. "Turn Signals for Dummies"
    Come on, I can't be the only one who gets frustrated with those negligent turds.  Really, how much effort does it take to flip on a turn signal?!  If you have the energy to turn the car on you can use a turn signal, I promise.  Granted, writing and publishing "Turn Signals for Dummies" might not make a huge difference, but at least it would make me feel better.
  2. Food-Scented Perfume
    Think about it, ladies.  Men are powerless to the smell of food.  You could walk into a club toothless and wearing sweats but if you smell like pepperoni pizza you are FINE.
  3. A 24-hour Krispy Kreme operated by Chippendales
    Do I really have to justify this one?  Didn't think so. :)

Saturday, April 28, 2012

My Inner Child

What's up, guys?

Another semester is nearly finished and it's hard to believe that I'll be graduating in December!   I've really had my nose to the grindstone lately so it's easy for me to get caught up in all I have to do and forget to take a breath and relax a little.  After all, just because I have mature responsibilities doesn't mean I can't enjoy them.  The other day, I was balancing my checkbook while wearing a ringpop.  Another time, I jumped on the bed for 30 minutes to get my daily exercise.  Being responsible doesn't have to mean being boring.  A lot of people talk about having an "inner child".  Forget that, I AM my inner child and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Dyslexia Schmyslexia

Hiya friends!

 Those of you who have been following Sassy McHappypants for a while now may have noticed that I sometimes misspell words, transpose letters or just flat-out forget a word every now and then.  Here's the thing: I'm dyslexic and I have short-term memory issues.  Both these things result from a brain tumor I dealt with 7 years ago and for everything that my poor brain went through, it really does pretty well.  Sometimes I get frustrated when I can't remember new terms in class or I find a spelling error on a paper I've already turned in.  But really, these are small prices to pay for being alive. :)

Oftentimes, my dyslexia turns out to be a source of entertainment for me and my family.  I've told you about the times I've used the word "leprechauns" instead of "lepers" when referring to Jesus' ministry.  Let me tell you, that makes things a little awkward in Sunday School.  There was also the time I was making a public speech about politics and I couldn't think of the right word.  I think I was looking for the word "humiliated" but instead I said "castrated".  Yep.  And I'm pretty sure some jerk has it on video.

In the end, I always decide to shrug off the occasional slip-ups and hope they make someone smile.  After all, that's the point of this blog!  Whatever little incidents or circumstances pop up in your everyday life, I hope you choose to laugh at them and go on your merry little way.  As always, thanks for reading and putting up with my little idiosyncrasies.  Ha!  I spelled idiosyncrasies right! :)


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Fixes for a Bad Day, Part III

What up, my homies?

So I've not had a bad day today at all,  In fact, it's been quite peachy.  But I have talked to some friends who could use some cheering up, so of course I have done my utmost to help them smile today.  Here are more of my recommendations to turn a frown upside down!
  1. Go to Panera Bread, buy yourself something with chocolate in it, and place your order under the name "My Sharona".  When it comes time for the staff to call your name, see if you can persuade them to sing my "My Sharona" over the intercom.  I once got 5 staff members to beatbox and sing the entire song over the intercom...EPIC.
  2. Buy a helium balloon, breathe in the helium and when your co-worker isn't looking, record a new voicemail greeting for them.  Try something along the lines of "John Doe is is currently suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome and is away from his desk.  Please leave a message after the beep."
  3. If neither of the above options have perked you up, then close your eyes and picture Susan Sarandon flying down the stairs on roller skates and getting hit in the crotch with a tennis racket.  That always works for me! 

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Musings at the San Antonio Airport...

Dear Egomaniac at the San Antonio Airport,
I wish to enlighten you on matter of great importance.  You need to know that it is vastly inappropriate to make comments on the appearance of a TSA agent, stewardess, passenger or anyone else in the airport who might have a uterus.  This is creepy and makes everyone around you want to taser you, wait a few minutes and then taser you again.  You are quite old enough to know better and I imagine that your tendency to behave so rudely is probably why every X-chromosome within a 50-yard radius is giving you the death stare.
PS:  That toupee isn’t fooling anyone.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Lainetionary

Hi kids!

This Easter break thing is pretty grand, huh?  Since I've had a little (and I do mean a little) free time on my hands, I've selected three words that I use frequently and redefined them according to their relevance in my life.  Read on and see if you agree.
  • "Tragedy":  When you drive home dreaming about chocolate chips and get home only to realize that you do not, in fact, have chocolate chips.
  • "Terrorist":  A spoiled child who screams for Cheerios every minute of a flight from Seattle to Wichita.
  • "Unforgivable":  Anything to do with cutting in line at Krispy Kreme.
 Am I right or am I right?  As always, thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing with your peeps.  :)


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Reasons to be Happy Right NOW

Hi there folks,

It's been a rough week.  My wisdom teeth are giving me some trouble, which results in epic headaches, plus my schedule has been super hectic.  So, I decided to focus on finding the positives of my life as it is right now.  Here's what I came up with.
  • No matter how stressful my job is, it cannot compare to the woes of my ancestors, who had to potty-train their children in outhouses.
  • I do not need a super power...I already have red high heels and a Southern accent.  
  • Hopefully, Justin Bieber will lose his fanbase after he finally goes through puberty and his voice changes.
  • I can speak Spanish!  Not a lot, but enough to order two beers, find the bathroom and set a chicken on fire.
See, that wasn't so hard!  Come up with couple of your own reasons to be happy, and leave them below in the comments section if you like.  And remember, everything will be OK as long as there is bacon in the world. :)