Silly Laine.

Hiya buddies!

One of my favorite quotes is "Blessed are those who laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."  I've jotted down some of the silliest things I ever did in hopes of amusing not only myself, but you also.

1. Volunteering to do an Interpretive Dance at a Bible Study
   Sadly, those folks did not share my sense of humor.  I like to think it was their loss. :)
2. Yelling Awkward Things at Work
   Note to self: If you shout "I need some change in my drawers!" no one will realize you are talking about cash registers.
3. Pepper-Spraying Myself on the Way to Church
   Yep, it was an accident.  No, I didn't show up at church that day.  Also, people need to stop suggesting that I get a concealed carry permit.  If I owned a gun, I would have no toes.
   

Based on the above evidence, I have a feeling I'll keep myself amused for quite a while. :)

XOXO

Laine

Confession Time

Hi friends!

I recently had a discussion with coworkers about embarrassing moments and such.  In the spirit of making them feel better, I told them I would compile some of my deepest, darkest confessions and secrets...and publish them on the world wide web.  You're welcome.

1. When drivers take up two parking spaces, I want to shoot them dead.  And then bring them back to life, make them watch a 24-hour reel of the Nancy Grace show and shoot them deader.
2. Every time I parallel-park correctly on the first try, I do a little dance or high-five myself.  Sometimes both.
3. I have used a beer bottle as a microphone.
4. The first time someone ever asked me out, a booger flew out my nose and landed on my face.  He didn't ask me again.

There you have it, folks.  Now, perhaps, you understand why I've had to develop an immunity to embarrassment. :)

XOXO

Laine

And Now I Give to You...The Lizard Story

Hi guys!

There have been many requests and/or demands for my legendary lizard story.  At long last, here it is.  Gird your loins, folks...no fairy-tale ending here. :)  (Hold on, the Barnes & Noble clerk is talking to me.  Maybe he has chocolate....Ok, I'm back.  No chocolate, just an ego the size of Texas).

Sorry, back to the story.  It was March of 2007 and I was in Kiln, Mississippi, helping out with relief efforts after Hurricane Katrina.  My job that day was to mark studs before the guys installed sheetrock.  As I was sitting on the floor, innocently doing my job, I looked over and noticed a small lizard, about the size of a gecko, skittering around on the floor.  He must have been a curious little guy because before I could say "Is that the gecko from the GEICO commercials?!" the lizard had jumped down the back of my pants.  Yep.  For a full 2.6 seconds, my khakis were home to a salamander.

Needless to say, I wasted no time in flailing around and digging through my trousers to find and destroy the invader.  I finally found him and tossed him on the ground, where he landed and skittered away.  I daresay my coworkers thought I was either a charismatic or demon-possessed.  One of them just patted me on the back and said, "Have some sympathy for the poor little thing.  He's just addicted to crack."

I hate to admit it, but 5 years later, that still makes me laugh. :)

XOXO

Laine

A Brief Word on Common Sense

Dear Public,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.  Please read the below requests and adhere to them.  Should you do so, I will be sure to give you a nice parking spot once I run the world.

1. I can guarantee you that no waitress, cashier or flight attendant wants to be called "Sugar Lips".  Don't use that term on anyone but your wife.  And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't care for it either.
2. If you are asking the person next to you to be your "detonated driver", put the beer down.  You've had quite enough.
3. Lastly, please do not practice random acts of flatulence while walking in front of me (or anyone else) in the grocery store. 

Sincerely,
Laine

Signs I Need to Kiss Caffeine Goodbye

Hiya friends!

I've had an on-again, off-again romance with caffeine and have decided to call it quits for good based on the following reasons:

• I thought about running up my street screaming "I've Got You, Babe" by Sonny and Cher.  And then I did it.
• I opened my mouth to say "good morning" to a friend but it came out, "DANG, YOUR BUTT LOOKS GREAT IN KHAKIS!"
• As I was driving into town for caffeine, I turned on the Bourne Supremacy soundtrack and pretended I was a secret agent in search of caffeine.  And that's when I realized I should never, ever have caffeine again.

And so it is with much sadness that I bid caffeine goodbye (again).  We'll see how long it lasts this time, but I do think that cutting it out will save me some money and help me retain some kind of reputation.  There's really NO telling what would happen if I drank coffee on a regular basis...and perhaps it should remain that way. :)

XOXO

Laine

Get Ready to Take Down Finals!

Hey buddies!

 Ok, it's time to buckle in and tackle finals week.  If you've got gobs of facts and statistics to remember for your exams, try my latest approach: I've put the class material I need to memorize to the music of 80s and 90s songs.  Seriously, try it out before you judge.  After all, that's how I came up with smash hits like:

• Pour Some Quadratic Functions on Me
• P-Value, P-Value, Whatcha Gonna Do, Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come for You 
• What's Rhetorical Analysis Got to do With It  
• Blame it on the Employee Communication  
• You Give Qualitative Research a Bad Name   
• Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Press Release  
• I'm Too Sexy for the Associated Press 

Hope this helps you out.  And if it doesn't...well, at least you have another thing to make fun of me about. :)
   
XOXO
Laine

What the World Needs Now

Hey friends!

It's election year and we've all heard way too many politicians shamelessly plugging themselves and all they can "do" for us.  They make a lot of promises they can't keep and few people benefit in the end.  I've jotted down some ideas that I think everyone could enjoy.  Read on and you'll see why. :)

1. "Turn Signals for Dummies"
   Come on, I can't be the only one who gets frustrated with those negligent turds.  Really, how much effort does it take to flip on a turn signal?!  If you have the energy to turn the car on you can use a turn signal, I promise.  Granted, writing and publishing "Turn Signals for Dummies" might not make a huge difference, but at least it would make me feel better.
2. Food-Scented Perfume
   Think about it, ladies.  Men are powerless to the smell of food.  You could walk into a club toothless and wearing sweats but if you smell like pepperoni pizza you are FINE.
3. A 24-hour Krispy Kreme operated by Chippendales
   Do I really have to justify this one?  Didn't think so. :)

XOXO

Laine