Unsung Blessings

Hi Buddies!

Thanks for being patient with me as I adjust to working full-time and all the other little changes life has brought me! I've spent some time thinking about all the blessings I have and how many of them I take for granted. Really, there are so many things we don't even remember to be thankful for. I've listed some of them below for your consideration. :)

1. Yoga
   Without it, we would have fat hippies, and I can't imagine that would be good for anybody.
2. Suspenders
   They hold old men's pants up. I'd say that's rather vital.
3. People Who don't Ask Stupid Questions
   Their use of common sense keeps me from tasering the folks who lack it.
4. The WalMart Panty Section
   Because, really, would you want to share the Victoria's Secret shopping experience with the likes of Honey Boo Boo's family?

XOXO
Laine

Back-Up Plans

Well hey there, kids!

Oh my, so much has happened since my last post! I graduated cum laude on December 16th, started working full-time at my awesome job, celebrated Christmas with the family, and much more. As you might imagine, several of my family members and friends have asked me what "my plan" is now. Now that I've graduated, what's my next goal? What kinds of jobs am I applying for? All these questions have reminded how unstable the job market is right now, so you guys will be happy to hear that I have come up with some "back-up plans". :)

Plan #1 Work as the Chick-fil-A Cow
You have no idea how many people (seven, yes, seven) have told the staff members of the local Chick-fil-A that I need to be the next person to work as their cow mascot. I can't express how flattered I am by this (NOT!). However, the person inside that cow costume probably works full time and receives benefits. Not bad for standing by the road and making an arse (I mean, cow) of yourself...

Plan #2 Become a Fortune Cookie Writer
I mean...do you know how much havoc I could wreak (cue evil laugh)?!

Plan #3 Become a Politician
Apparently, all you need to be a successful politician is a big mouth, an attitude, and plenty of hairspray. Believe me, I meet all those qualifications. ;)

XOXO 
Laine

Stayin' Alive

HI.

It's been the most frenetic week of my life, and I'm counting the minutes till it's over! Preparing for finals, keeping up with work, and managing life in general are adding up to be a big ol' pain in the butt. Fortunately, I found some great ways to cope with the stress, so I'll share them with you.

1. Tap dance on a coffee table. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it. Also, do yourself a favor and make sure you've got a sturdy coffee table. ;)
2. Eat 257 chocolate-covered espresso beans. Trust me, after this, you can't really help but be super-productive and ecstatic about your life. While under the influence, make sure you keep away from megaphones.
3. Incorporate yodeling and jazz hands into your next class or work presentation. After all, you're looking to make a impression, aren't you? 
4. If nothing else works, lock all your doors and windows, turn on the Lion King soundtrack and scream the first line of "Circle of Life". Nothing soothes the soul like a little "BAAAAAASOWHENYAAAAAAAHHHBABAGEEEEEEETSBABAAAAAAAAA." :)

XOXO
Laine

Words of Wisdom from Father McHappypants

What's happenin', kids?

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope it was as awesome as mine...the turkey I roasted turned out perfectly and Kanye West did not show up to take credit for it or to say that Beyonce's turkey was better. It was a delightful holiday. :)

During the holiday weekend, I spent time with my awesome dad and his family. He was in his element this weekend, joking around with my cousins and picking on my uncles. Listening to their conversations reminded me of some of my favorite things I've heard Dad say, which I've jotted down to share with you.

A while back, when Taylor Swift was rumored to be going out with Tim Tebow, my dad asked me out of the blue, "Why didn't you tell me Taylor Swift went out with Tim Tebow?! How did it go? Does he like her? Are they going out again?" I just sat there in stunned silence and wondered if Dad had somehow been involved in a "Freaky-Friday" type of mix-up where he switched bodies with Ryan Seacrest.

I once made the mistake of asking Dad his opinion about an outfit I planned to wear to a job interview. To my surprise, he said, "That skirt doesn't go with that shirt. I can say that now because your mother made me watch 'What Not to Wear.'" I think I liked it better when he stuck with watching the Weather Channel.

Last summer, I was out of town during the week of July 4th and called my parents. Mom answered the phone, and midway through the conversation, I heard the loudest, longest belch known to mankind. Mom paused a minute, gathered her patience (though I could tell she was about to laugh), and said, "Jim, that was disgusting. That was like 'bombs bursting in air'." In the background, I could hear Dad say, "Well dear, would you like some 'rockets red glare?'"

I laughed till I cried. :)

XOXO
Laine

Murphy's Law, Indeed.

Hey pals!

I have the weirdest life. Don't get me wrong, I had a killer day. But I sat down and started thinking again about how many offbeat things happen to me, and only me! We've talked about this concept before, and how I seem to be Murphy's Law in human form. Here's further evidence.

• It's our busy season at work, I've got tons of assignments at school due because I'm preparing to graduate college, and my wisdom teeth have decided that this is a great time to come in. My professor asked me if I was feeling OK the other day, and I had to explain that I have a headache because I am TEETHING. In college.
• Still need convincing that I am Murphy's Law in human form? Almost every man who hits on me seems to possess excessive quantities of nose hair. Lovely.
• Finally, my Pandora account seems to be rigged for disaster. I had my CCR station playing at work and I'd had a great day listening to classic rock. My boss comes over to my desk to talk to me, and don't you know that blasted Pandora played Eric Clapton's "Cocaine", Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On", and "Sexual Healing" back to back. Seriously, it behaved ALL DAY until my manager walked over. I guess next time I'll have to put the "Gregorian Chant" channel on, just to be safe. :)

XOXO
Laine

The Life and Times of Laine's Afro

Happy Halloween, homies!

I'm currently wearing this year's costume, "Responsible Student Who Sits on Her Couch Doing Homework While Wearing an Afro Wig."  I've had some good times in this wig, which I'm about to share with you now.

The first time I brought this baby out was for a costume I decided to wear to work.  I put on a flowing Greek dress, strapped on some pretty sandals, and added the afro...which made me "Afrodite." Heh. I know it was cheesy, but you better believe I enjoyed every minute of it.  And I actually made tips that day, even though I was just a cashier.  Hmm...maybe that neckline was a little lower than I intended...

The next year, I put on some workout clothes, added the afro, and stuffed a cushie pillow down the back of my pants (don't judge me!) for an extremely plump derriere.  Yep...I spent Halloween 2010 as a girl from Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" video and NO, I won't show you a picture. :)

XOXO
Laine

Why I'm Not a Songwriter

What up, homies?

It's been a crazy semester thus far, and lately I've been busy putting my portfolio together.  While digging through some old files and documents, I came across a song I wrote a few years ago as a reaction to a really bad date I'd just been on. Seriously, this was like the Kanye West of dates.  Anyway, that was so long ago that I can't even remember the guy's name anymore, but his legacy lives on through the musical gem that is my masterpiece, "Fart in a Car".  Enjoy, and you're welcome. ;)

XOXO
Laine


Fart in a Car
by J. Laine Isaacs
Written at 1:55 a.m. on April 21, 2010

I knew you were a loser,
You weren't my perfect mate.
My friends asked why I went with you
Told them you were a "pity date".
We'd been out just a time or two
When you started to show your butt.
You took me out for mini golf
But I left before your first putt.

CHORUS:
I smelled you like a fart in a car,
Like a fart in a car, like a fart in a car.
I smelled you like a fart in a car
So you never got the chance to break my heart.

Now we're all through, I don't need no more,
You've had your final chance.
I'd rather get a spinal tap,
Or date a guy from France.
I told my daddy we were through,
I done did our love in.
He said, "Honey, that makes sense,
Because you have more balls than him."