Things I Shouldn't Have to Clarify

Hey kids!

Lately, I've witnessed some practices that I think need to be addressed and abolished for the well-being of mankind.  I can't believe that I have to put these things in black and white but I am happy to do it since no else seems to.  Thanks for indulging me. :)

To the naked girls on campus:  Your boobs go inside your shirt and your butt goes inside your shorts.  Neither your chest nor your posterior should look like they've been stuffed into any kind of cotton or denim sausage casing.  Also, please do not wear a bra that fluffs your boobs up so high you can rest your chin on them and then proceed to complain about how every man in a 3-mile radius is staring at your chest.  

To every teacher, student, coworker, friend, family member and random dude at the gas station:  For gosh sake, PLEASE stop telling me how much or little you have pooped that day.  Seriously.  That's what your mommy is for.  I am not a doctor, nurse, gastroenterologist or any other kind of "poopologist", so do me a favor and take your bowel-related troubles elsewhere.

XOXO
Laine

Cruel and Unusual Punishment: AKA "Bra Shopping"

Hey buddies,

Last weekend I got to indulge myself in that most enchanting of female privileges...bra shopping.  In other words, I locked myself in a tiny room in Kohl's for like an hour and tried on over-the-shoulder boulder holders while I cried.  OK, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but ladies, we all have to admit that there are so many other things we would much rather do.  For instance, I'd rather pluck Danny DeVito's nose hairs or hang from a ceiling fan by my toenails.  That is exactly how much I hate bra shopping.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of bras.  Without them, many of us would not be able to stand up straight and make eye contact.  I've also find that my brassiere is large enough to double as either a weapon of mass destruction or an extremely fashionable hat.  

For some reason, this particular expedition to the lingerie department was a real doozie.  Not only could I not find anything in my size, but some poor woman's husband had been kind enough to practice random acts of flatulence throughout multiple aisles of the department.  I have to give him props, though, for finding the one way to make my experience even more miserable.  I waited for oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling like they do on airplanes, but alas...no such luck.

After what seemed like hours of fruitless searching, I found something that I did not have to put a down-payment on and that did not make my boobs look like two gigantic polka-dotted torpedoes, so I headed to the cashier.  This little biddy had the nerve to smile and say "Wouldn't you like some matching panties?"  I briefly fantasized about pushing her into an electric fence, swiped my debit card, and dashed through the automatic doors toward the peaceful, fart-free sanctum that is my Camry.

XOXO

Laine

My College Education in Facebook Statuses

Hi buddies!

Today was my last first day of school!  I couldn't be more excited.  Seriously, I was tempted to streak across campus in celebration.  I decided against it...but there's always graduation day. :)

In honor of this day, I've put together some of my past thoughts on my college experience.  You might be able to relate!

   

• I got through the first day of class without needing sedatives or a helmet. Score! 
  
• If you happen to see on the evening news that I have tasered my classmates, please do not judge. They quite deserve it at this point. 
• OF COURSE I would get the hiccups while addressing my professor in front of the whole class.
• So today, one of my professors admitted I was right! I now encourage you to look out the window for flying pigs. 
•  WHOO-HOO, midterms are over! I shall celebrate by eating cake and talking like Rocky Balboa for the rest of the day.
• To Professor X: 2 years ago, you looked me in the eye and said "You don't understand public relations." Well, do I have news for you! I just presented my own public relations case study at an honors conference. How bout that. :) Sincerely, Laine
• The last week of class is here and in spite of all the stress I'm feeling like an over-caffeinated winning machine. BRING IT ON, finals!!
• To pump myself up for finals, I've been playing "Eye of the Tiger" on repeat & running up random staircases. And then getting a milkshake.  

Yep, there it is: the past 4.5 years in a nutshell!  It's been a wild ride but completely worth it.

XOXO

Laine

Hollywood Hypotheticals

What's up, my homies?

So last night I was thinking about Mr. T before I went to sleep...which actually happens more often than you might think.  Anyhoo, it's a huge trend for stars to show up as guests or guest judges on reality shows these days so I've taken a minute to jot down some TV show/celebrity matches that you might like. :)

1. Kim Kardashian on "America's Got Talent"
   Anyone catch the irony there?
2. Snooki on "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?"
   Never mind, I can save us all a bunch of time right here and now.  NO.
3. Dolly Parton and Donald Trump on "Hair Battle Spectacular"
   Do I really have to justify this one?
4. Mr. T as a guest judge on "Project Runway"
   You have NO idea how much money I would pay to hear him say, "I pity the fool who would wear that dress to a cocktail party!"

Don't worry, I plan to stick to the non-profit side of public relations and don't have any plans to become anyone's agent. ;)

XOXO 
Laine

Sassy McHappypants LIVE!

Hey there buddies!

It's the moment we've all been waiting for...my live show!  Come out and see me tonight at Olde Hickory Taproom in Hickory, NC.  A band will be performing at 9:00, so it's likely that I'll go on around 10:00 or a little after.  There's no cover to get in, but the venue requires that everyone be 21+.

Come on out, I promise I'll make it worth your while! :)

XOXO

Laine

Silly Laine.

Hiya buddies!

One of my favorite quotes is "Blessed are those who laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."  I've jotted down some of the silliest things I ever did in hopes of amusing not only myself, but you also.

1. Volunteering to do an Interpretive Dance at a Bible Study
   Sadly, those folks did not share my sense of humor.  I like to think it was their loss. :)
2. Yelling Awkward Things at Work
   Note to self: If you shout "I need some change in my drawers!" no one will realize you are talking about cash registers.
3. Pepper-Spraying Myself on the Way to Church
   Yep, it was an accident.  No, I didn't show up at church that day.  Also, people need to stop suggesting that I get a concealed carry permit.  If I owned a gun, I would have no toes.
   

Based on the above evidence, I have a feeling I'll keep myself amused for quite a while. :)

XOXO

Laine

Confession Time

Hi friends!

I recently had a discussion with coworkers about embarrassing moments and such.  In the spirit of making them feel better, I told them I would compile some of my deepest, darkest confessions and secrets...and publish them on the world wide web.  You're welcome.

1. When drivers take up two parking spaces, I want to shoot them dead.  And then bring them back to life, make them watch a 24-hour reel of the Nancy Grace show and shoot them deader.
2. Every time I parallel-park correctly on the first try, I do a little dance or high-five myself.  Sometimes both.
3. I have used a beer bottle as a microphone.
4. The first time someone ever asked me out, a booger flew out my nose and landed on my face.  He didn't ask me again.

There you have it, folks.  Now, perhaps, you understand why I've had to develop an immunity to embarrassment. :)

XOXO

Laine