Words of Wisdom from Father McHappypants

What's happenin', kids?

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope it was as awesome as mine...the turkey I roasted turned out perfectly and Kanye West did not show up to take credit for it or to say that Beyonce's turkey was better. It was a delightful holiday. :)

During the holiday weekend, I spent time with my awesome dad and his family. He was in his element this weekend, joking around with my cousins and picking on my uncles. Listening to their conversations reminded me of some of my favorite things I've heard Dad say, which I've jotted down to share with you.

A while back, when Taylor Swift was rumored to be going out with Tim Tebow, my dad asked me out of the blue, "Why didn't you tell me Taylor Swift went out with Tim Tebow?! How did it go? Does he like her? Are they going out again?" I just sat there in stunned silence and wondered if Dad had somehow been involved in a "Freaky-Friday" type of mix-up where he switched bodies with Ryan Seacrest.

I once made the mistake of asking Dad his opinion about an outfit I planned to wear to a job interview. To my surprise, he said, "That skirt doesn't go with that shirt. I can say that now because your mother made me watch 'What Not to Wear.'" I think I liked it better when he stuck with watching the Weather Channel.

Last summer, I was out of town during the week of July 4th and called my parents. Mom answered the phone, and midway through the conversation, I heard the loudest, longest belch known to mankind. Mom paused a minute, gathered her patience (though I could tell she was about to laugh), and said, "Jim, that was disgusting. That was like 'bombs bursting in air'." In the background, I could hear Dad say, "Well dear, would you like some 'rockets red glare?'"

I laughed till I cried. :)

XOXO
Laine

Murphy's Law, Indeed.

Hey pals!

I have the weirdest life. Don't get me wrong, I had a killer day. But I sat down and started thinking again about how many offbeat things happen to me, and only me! We've talked about this concept before, and how I seem to be Murphy's Law in human form. Here's further evidence.

• It's our busy season at work, I've got tons of assignments at school due because I'm preparing to graduate college, and my wisdom teeth have decided that this is a great time to come in. My professor asked me if I was feeling OK the other day, and I had to explain that I have a headache because I am TEETHING. In college.
• Still need convincing that I am Murphy's Law in human form? Almost every man who hits on me seems to possess excessive quantities of nose hair. Lovely.
• Finally, my Pandora account seems to be rigged for disaster. I had my CCR station playing at work and I'd had a great day listening to classic rock. My boss comes over to my desk to talk to me, and don't you know that blasted Pandora played Eric Clapton's "Cocaine", Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On", and "Sexual Healing" back to back. Seriously, it behaved ALL DAY until my manager walked over. I guess next time I'll have to put the "Gregorian Chant" channel on, just to be safe. :)

XOXO
Laine

The Life and Times of Laine's Afro

Happy Halloween, homies!

I'm currently wearing this year's costume, "Responsible Student Who Sits on Her Couch Doing Homework While Wearing an Afro Wig."  I've had some good times in this wig, which I'm about to share with you now.

The first time I brought this baby out was for a costume I decided to wear to work.  I put on a flowing Greek dress, strapped on some pretty sandals, and added the afro...which made me "Afrodite." Heh. I know it was cheesy, but you better believe I enjoyed every minute of it.  And I actually made tips that day, even though I was just a cashier.  Hmm...maybe that neckline was a little lower than I intended...

The next year, I put on some workout clothes, added the afro, and stuffed a cushie pillow down the back of my pants (don't judge me!) for an extremely plump derriere.  Yep...I spent Halloween 2010 as a girl from Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" video and NO, I won't show you a picture. :)

XOXO
Laine

Why I'm Not a Songwriter

What up, homies?

It's been a crazy semester thus far, and lately I've been busy putting my portfolio together.  While digging through some old files and documents, I came across a song I wrote a few years ago as a reaction to a really bad date I'd just been on. Seriously, this was like the Kanye West of dates.  Anyway, that was so long ago that I can't even remember the guy's name anymore, but his legacy lives on through the musical gem that is my masterpiece, "Fart in a Car".  Enjoy, and you're welcome. ;)

XOXO
Laine


Fart in a Car
by J. Laine Isaacs
Written at 1:55 a.m. on April 21, 2010

I knew you were a loser,
You weren't my perfect mate.
My friends asked why I went with you
Told them you were a "pity date".
We'd been out just a time or two
When you started to show your butt.
You took me out for mini golf
But I left before your first putt.

CHORUS:
I smelled you like a fart in a car,
Like a fart in a car, like a fart in a car.
I smelled you like a fart in a car
So you never got the chance to break my heart.

Now we're all through, I don't need no more,
You've had your final chance.
I'd rather get a spinal tap,
Or date a guy from France.
I told my daddy we were through,
I done did our love in.
He said, "Honey, that makes sense,
Because you have more balls than him."

Things I Shouldn't Have to Clarify

Hey kids!

Lately, I've witnessed some practices that I think need to be addressed and abolished for the well-being of mankind.  I can't believe that I have to put these things in black and white but I am happy to do it since no else seems to.  Thanks for indulging me. :)

To the naked girls on campus:  Your boobs go inside your shirt and your butt goes inside your shorts.  Neither your chest nor your posterior should look like they've been stuffed into any kind of cotton or denim sausage casing.  Also, please do not wear a bra that fluffs your boobs up so high you can rest your chin on them and then proceed to complain about how every man in a 3-mile radius is staring at your chest.  

To every teacher, student, coworker, friend, family member and random dude at the gas station:  For gosh sake, PLEASE stop telling me how much or little you have pooped that day.  Seriously.  That's what your mommy is for.  I am not a doctor, nurse, gastroenterologist or any other kind of "poopologist", so do me a favor and take your bowel-related troubles elsewhere.

XOXO
Laine

Cruel and Unusual Punishment: AKA "Bra Shopping"

Hey buddies,

Last weekend I got to indulge myself in that most enchanting of female privileges...bra shopping.  In other words, I locked myself in a tiny room in Kohl's for like an hour and tried on over-the-shoulder boulder holders while I cried.  OK, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but ladies, we all have to admit that there are so many other things we would much rather do.  For instance, I'd rather pluck Danny DeVito's nose hairs or hang from a ceiling fan by my toenails.  That is exactly how much I hate bra shopping.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of bras.  Without them, many of us would not be able to stand up straight and make eye contact.  I've also find that my brassiere is large enough to double as either a weapon of mass destruction or an extremely fashionable hat.  

For some reason, this particular expedition to the lingerie department was a real doozie.  Not only could I not find anything in my size, but some poor woman's husband had been kind enough to practice random acts of flatulence throughout multiple aisles of the department.  I have to give him props, though, for finding the one way to make my experience even more miserable.  I waited for oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling like they do on airplanes, but alas...no such luck.

After what seemed like hours of fruitless searching, I found something that I did not have to put a down-payment on and that did not make my boobs look like two gigantic polka-dotted torpedoes, so I headed to the cashier.  This little biddy had the nerve to smile and say "Wouldn't you like some matching panties?"  I briefly fantasized about pushing her into an electric fence, swiped my debit card, and dashed through the automatic doors toward the peaceful, fart-free sanctum that is my Camry.

XOXO

Laine

My College Education in Facebook Statuses

Hi buddies!

Today was my last first day of school!  I couldn't be more excited.  Seriously, I was tempted to streak across campus in celebration.  I decided against it...but there's always graduation day. :)

In honor of this day, I've put together some of my past thoughts on my college experience.  You might be able to relate!

   

• I got through the first day of class without needing sedatives or a helmet. Score! 
  
• If you happen to see on the evening news that I have tasered my classmates, please do not judge. They quite deserve it at this point. 
• OF COURSE I would get the hiccups while addressing my professor in front of the whole class.
• So today, one of my professors admitted I was right! I now encourage you to look out the window for flying pigs. 
•  WHOO-HOO, midterms are over! I shall celebrate by eating cake and talking like Rocky Balboa for the rest of the day.
• To Professor X: 2 years ago, you looked me in the eye and said "You don't understand public relations." Well, do I have news for you! I just presented my own public relations case study at an honors conference. How bout that. :) Sincerely, Laine
• The last week of class is here and in spite of all the stress I'm feeling like an over-caffeinated winning machine. BRING IT ON, finals!!
• To pump myself up for finals, I've been playing "Eye of the Tiger" on repeat & running up random staircases. And then getting a milkshake.  

Yep, there it is: the past 4.5 years in a nutshell!  It's been a wild ride but completely worth it.

XOXO

Laine