Happy Halloween, homies!
I'm currently wearing this year's costume, "Responsible
Student Who Sits on Her Couch Doing Homework While Wearing an Afro
Wig." I've had some good times in this wig, which I'm about to share
with you now.
The first time I brought this baby out was for a costume I decided to wear to work. I put on a flowing Greek dress, strapped on some pretty sandals, and added the afro...which made me "Afrodite." Heh. I know it was cheesy, but you better believe I enjoyed every minute of it. And I actually made tips that day, even though I was just a cashier. Hmm...maybe that neckline was a little lower than I intended...
The next year, I put on some workout clothes, added the afro, and stuffed a cushie pillow down the back of my pants (don't judge me!) for an extremely plump derriere. Yep...I spent Halloween 2010 as a girl from Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" video and NO, I won't show you a picture. :)
XOXO
Laine
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Why I'm Not a Songwriter
What up, homies?
It's been a crazy semester thus far, and lately I've been busy putting my portfolio together. While digging through some old files and documents, I came across a song I wrote a few years ago as a reaction to a really bad date I'd just been on. Seriously, this was like the Kanye West of dates. Anyway, that was so long ago that I can't even remember the guy's name anymore, but his legacy lives on through the musical gem that is my masterpiece, "Fart in a Car". Enjoy, and you're welcome. ;)
XOXO
Laine
Fart in a Car
by J. Laine Isaacs
Written at 1:55 a.m. on April 21, 2010
I knew you were a loser,
You weren't my perfect mate.
My friends asked why I went with you
Told them you were a "pity date".
We'd been out just a time or two
When you started to show your butt.
You took me out for mini golf
But I left before your first putt.
CHORUS:
I smelled you like a fart in a car,
Like a fart in a car, like a fart in a car.
I smelled you like a fart in a car
So you never got the chance to break my heart.
Now we're all through, I don't need no more,
You've had your final chance.
I'd rather get a spinal tap,
Or date a guy from France.
I told my daddy we were through,
I done did our love in.
He said, "Honey, that makes sense,
Because you have more balls than him."
It's been a crazy semester thus far, and lately I've been busy putting my portfolio together. While digging through some old files and documents, I came across a song I wrote a few years ago as a reaction to a really bad date I'd just been on. Seriously, this was like the Kanye West of dates. Anyway, that was so long ago that I can't even remember the guy's name anymore, but his legacy lives on through the musical gem that is my masterpiece, "Fart in a Car". Enjoy, and you're welcome. ;)
XOXO
Laine
Fart in a Car
by J. Laine Isaacs
Written at 1:55 a.m. on April 21, 2010
I knew you were a loser,
You weren't my perfect mate.
My friends asked why I went with you
Told them you were a "pity date".
We'd been out just a time or two
When you started to show your butt.
You took me out for mini golf
But I left before your first putt.
CHORUS:
I smelled you like a fart in a car,
Like a fart in a car, like a fart in a car.
I smelled you like a fart in a car
So you never got the chance to break my heart.
Now we're all through, I don't need no more,
You've had your final chance.
I'd rather get a spinal tap,
Or date a guy from France.
I told my daddy we were through,
I done did our love in.
He said, "Honey, that makes sense,
Because you have more balls than him."
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Things I Shouldn't Have to Clarify
Hey kids!
Lately, I've witnessed some practices that I think need to be addressed and abolished for the well-being of mankind. I can't believe that I have to put these things in black and white but I am happy to do it since no else seems to. Thanks for indulging me. :)
To the naked girls on campus: Your boobs go inside your shirt and your butt goes inside your shorts. Neither your chest nor your posterior should look like they've been stuffed into any kind of cotton or denim sausage casing. Also, please do not wear a bra that fluffs your boobs up so high you can rest your chin on them and then proceed to complain about how every man in a 3-mile radius is staring at your chest.
To every teacher, student, coworker, friend, family member and random dude at the gas station: For gosh sake, PLEASE stop telling me how much or little you have pooped that day. Seriously. That's what your mommy is for. I am not a doctor, nurse, gastroenterologist or any other kind of "poopologist", so do me a favor and take your bowel-related troubles elsewhere.
XOXO
Laine
Lately, I've witnessed some practices that I think need to be addressed and abolished for the well-being of mankind. I can't believe that I have to put these things in black and white but I am happy to do it since no else seems to. Thanks for indulging me. :)
To the naked girls on campus: Your boobs go inside your shirt and your butt goes inside your shorts. Neither your chest nor your posterior should look like they've been stuffed into any kind of cotton or denim sausage casing. Also, please do not wear a bra that fluffs your boobs up so high you can rest your chin on them and then proceed to complain about how every man in a 3-mile radius is staring at your chest.
To every teacher, student, coworker, friend, family member and random dude at the gas station: For gosh sake, PLEASE stop telling me how much or little you have pooped that day. Seriously. That's what your mommy is for. I am not a doctor, nurse, gastroenterologist or any other kind of "poopologist", so do me a favor and take your bowel-related troubles elsewhere.
XOXO
Laine
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Cruel and Unusual Punishment: AKA "Bra Shopping"
Hey buddies,
Last weekend I got to indulge myself in that most enchanting of female privileges...bra shopping. In other words, I locked myself in a tiny room in Kohl's for like an hour and tried on over-the-shoulder boulder holders while I cried. OK, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but ladies, we all have to admit that there are so many other things we would much rather do. For instance, I'd rather pluck Danny DeVito's nose hairs or hang from a ceiling fan by my toenails. That is exactly how much I hate bra shopping. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of bras. Without them, many of us would not be able to stand up straight and make eye contact. I've also find that my brassiere is large enough to double as either a weapon of mass destruction or an extremely fashionable hat.
For some reason, this particular expedition to the lingerie department was a real doozie. Not only could I not find anything in my size, but some poor woman's husband had been kind enough to practice random acts of flatulence throughout multiple aisles of the department. I have to give him props, though, for finding the one way to make my experience even more miserable. I waited for oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling like they do on airplanes, but alas...no such luck.
XOXO
Laine
Last weekend I got to indulge myself in that most enchanting of female privileges...bra shopping. In other words, I locked myself in a tiny room in Kohl's for like an hour and tried on over-the-shoulder boulder holders while I cried. OK, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but ladies, we all have to admit that there are so many other things we would much rather do. For instance, I'd rather pluck Danny DeVito's nose hairs or hang from a ceiling fan by my toenails. That is exactly how much I hate bra shopping. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of bras. Without them, many of us would not be able to stand up straight and make eye contact. I've also find that my brassiere is large enough to double as either a weapon of mass destruction or an extremely fashionable hat.
For some reason, this particular expedition to the lingerie department was a real doozie. Not only could I not find anything in my size, but some poor woman's husband had been kind enough to practice random acts of flatulence throughout multiple aisles of the department. I have to give him props, though, for finding the one way to make my experience even more miserable. I waited for oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling like they do on airplanes, but alas...no such luck.
After what seemed like hours of fruitless searching, I found something that I did not have to put a down-payment on and that did not make my boobs look like two gigantic polka-dotted torpedoes, so I headed to the cashier. This little biddy had the nerve to smile and say "Wouldn't you like some matching panties?" I briefly fantasized about pushing her into an electric fence, swiped my debit card, and dashed through the automatic doors toward the peaceful, fart-free sanctum that is my Camry.
XOXO
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
My College Education in Facebook Statuses
Hi buddies!
Today was my last first day of school! I couldn't be more excited. Seriously, I was tempted to streak across campus in celebration. I decided against it...but there's always graduation day. :)
In honor of this day, I've put together some of my past thoughts on my college experience. You might be able to relate!
- I
- To Professor X: 2 years ago, you looked me in the eye and said "You don't understand public relations." Well, do I have news for you! I just presented my own public relations case study at an honors conference. How bout that. :) Sincerely, Laine
- The last week of class is here and in spite of all the stress I'm feeling like an over-caffeinated winning machine. BRING IT ON, finals!!
- To pump myself up for finals, I've been playing "Eye of the Tiger" on repeat & running up random staircases. And then getting a milkshake.
Yep, there it is: the past 4.5 years in a nutshell! It's been a wild ride but completely worth it.
XOXO
LaineMonday, July 30, 2012
Hollywood Hypotheticals
What's up, my homies?
So last night I was thinking about Mr. T before I went to sleep...which actually happens more often than you might think. Anyhoo, it's a huge trend for stars to show up as guests or guest judges on reality shows these days so I've taken a minute to jot down some TV show/celebrity matches that you might like. :)
- Kim Kardashian on "America's Got Talent"
Anyone catch the irony there? - Snooki on "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?"
Never mind, I can save us all a bunch of time right here and now. NO. - Dolly Parton and Donald Trump on "Hair Battle Spectacular"
Do I really have to justify this one? - Mr. T as a guest judge on "Project Runway"
You have NO idea how much money I would pay to hear him say, "I pity the fool who would wear that dress to a cocktail party!"
Don't worry, I plan to stick to the non-profit side of public relations and don't have any plans to become anyone's agent. ;)
XOXO
Laine
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Sassy McHappypants LIVE!
Hey there buddies!
It's the moment we've all been waiting for...my live show! Come out and see me tonight at Olde Hickory Taproom in Hickory, NC. A band will be performing at 9:00, so it's likely that I'll go on around 10:00 or a little after. There's no cover to get in, but the venue requires that everyone be 21+.
Come on out, I promise I'll make it worth your while! :)
XOXO
Laine
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